Journal Entry

Went to my brother & sister-in-laws house today with Gavin. They had a large oak tree that came down awhile ago in their yard. We could use the firewood and they wanted it gone so it worked out well for both of us.

It was a blessing spending time with them and seeing my little nephew grow up before my eyes never fails to astonish me. It’s a wonder how much change can happen within a month or two. We saw him on his 1st birthday in late July and since then, he’s running and has learned baby sign language.

We were asked when we’d like to have a child of our own. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but there’s no nudge in me right now that says it’s the right time. This house is taking every ounce of our attention and energy. With how hard we’ve been going lately in every direction, the past few nights I’ve felt like I was going to snap in half. Crouching on the dining room floor, my eyes blurred as I blinked back tears. Gavin reiterated all the progress that we’ve made, how far we’ve come. All I could see was chaos.

I don’t want to be the negative one. I want to continue on with all the projects that we’ve started. I want my body and mind to find the energy it needs to keep going. I know everyone has their own struggles and tasks to complete each day, and nonetheless I’m thankful for the work that needs done here. Because it’s not just work, it’s the hope of what it can become.

Tonight while the sun was making its way to bed, I crouched down on the floor joists in the upstairs bathroom. I positioned myself where the claw foot tub will be. I looked up at our picture window, thought about everything that went into getting that there. All the long nights, all the work, all the time, all the effort, for that single piece in this lifelong puzzle.

Rays of light gleamed through the clouds. I took an inhale and imagined what it’ll be like to take a bath and see that view for years to come, Lord willing.

It’s the reminder that I needed.

The vision of what this home will become, of what our family will become, renews me. And though I go to sleep tired tonight, I’ll wake up in the morning, ready to begin again.